SOME STUFF
“Dad, are you decent?”
“Yup.”
She barely stepped around the corner to borrow something from
her mother’s bathroom drawer. “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”
She scrambled away. Good thing the master bedroom door wasn’t
closed because it didn’t sound as if she would have bothered to
open it. I listened to hear if she’d stumble and crash down the
stairs in her mad rush.
“Oh, my God! How gross can you get!” she wailed.
“You asked if I was decent -- I never claimed to be drop-dead
gorgeous,” I called, pausing from shaving my second chin, wearing
only underwear briefs.
“Mom! Dad only had his skimpy shorts on!” I could hear her from
the kitchen, a floor below. Then, their voices muffled.
I chuckled. Gutturally. Satisfied. Wickedly. I smiled at myself
in the mirror and resumed scraping my neck.
As the father of three daughters (two teenaged, one on the brink)
and husband of their mother, I consider it my job to keep the
four females of our family on their toes.
Other parts of my singular role as the only male in the house
involve:
• Killing spiders and occasional centipedes.
• Opening jars.
• Providing male humor, locker room jocularity and other forms
of culture that they would not be exposed to otherwise.
• Shoveling snow.
• Caring for “our dog.”
• Mispronouncing certain words and names.
• Delivering various lectures as appropriate and explaining how
things were done in olden times.
• Repeating myself.
• Embarrassing/intimidating adolescent males who telephone or
visit.
• Walking with heavy steps to let them know I’m coming.
• Tickling my daughters when they need a lift (I’m forbidden,
however, to ever tickle my spouse).
• Playing devil’s advocate by representing minority points of
view.
• Being misunderstood and feeling sorry for myself.
• Keeping the van between the ditches while my daughters push
buttons on the blaring radio more adroitly than anyone could pick
a 12-string guitar.
• Unplugging toilets.
• Chasing family members with squashed spiders and centipedes.
• Taking out the garbage.
• Promoting healthy respiration, circulation and general physical
fitness by screaming at the top of my lungs during strategic moments
of horror movies.
• Monitoring lengths of phone calls.
• Being constantly alert to uncover feminine financial conspiracies
that could ruin us.
• Obsessing about how we’re ever going to pay for three weddings.
• Continually paying for past sins committed by my two brothers,
my dad and me against my mother, who also was outnumbered four
to one.
There’s more -- this is only a partial job description. But I’m
told you’re supposed to limit a resumé to one page.
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