Life’s a journey.
ARCHIVES
A process.
You are what you eat.
So I’m told.
In the spirit of the late columnist Sydney Harris, I tried to
list chronologically (and without being redundant) all the things
I’ve been paid to do.
I don’t know if this is proof of being an incurable job hopper
or an insight about a 40-something-year-old who's wondering when
he’ll grow up. Or both. Or something else.
Anyway, people have paid me to be a...
• Fetcher of things at the corner store.
• Seller of religious icons for my parochial school.
• Babysitter.
• Shoveler of snow.
• Mower of lawns.
• Seller of magazine subscriptions.
• Window washer for a distinguished, older lady.
• Paperboy (second-most adventurous job I ever had, but that’s
another story).
• Partner with two boyhood chums in bicycle repair business.
• Partner with two boyhood chums in car washing business.
• Roustabout when the carnival came to town for the county fair.
• Baler of hay.
• Baler of straw.
• Weeder of soybeans (mastered chewing tobacco, using the vomit-then-faint-technique).
• Cleaner of hog houses (learned how to roust irritable, sleepy
sows; changed careers due to dangers of black lung).
• Umpire of youth baseball games (lessons in diplomacy, humility).
• Dishwasher/pot scrubber/busboy in restaurant (more humility).
• Concession stand worker.
• Waiter.
• Sunday afternoon tavern swabbie (several mysteries of life revealed).
• Member of third-shift labor pool at printing company where my
dad worked (gave up snuff for good after becoming deathly ill
in the nurse’s office).
• Member of grounds crew on golf course (best and most adventurous
job).
• Attendant in golf pro shop (reminiscent of Caddy Shack).
• Men’s clothing salesperson (had never known before that a person
should “dress” on his left or his right).
• Midshipman.
• Hired hand on hog farm (experience paid off).
• Warehouse worker.
• Loader/unloader of trucks and boxcars for a small factory.
• Member of automated dish-washing line for college food service
(most disgusting job).
• Executive busboy in private golf club.
• Sports stringer/game night telephone attendant for newspaper.
• Sports information writing assistant for college news bureau.
• Cat sitter (most expensive and nearly-disastrous five bucks
I was ever paid).
• Janitor of men’s locker rooms and wrestling practice facility
(second-most disgusting duty) in college field house.
• Recorder of serial/inventory numbers of major equipment for
college physical plant (worst, most boring, unnecessary work I
was ever paid to perform).
• Short-order cook.
• Assistant manager, graveyard shift, for fast-foot restaurant
that catered to bar rush
clientele at closing time.
• Loader and unloader of moving vans (you wouldn’t believe what
people take along
when the company pays for the move).
• Traveling soil sampler for agricultural laboratory (learned
the art of soothing
barnyard dogs).
• School bus driver (taught me how to glare effectively in rearview
mirror and be
an outstanding screamer).
• Sales distributor of natural vitamins, health food supplements
and cleaning supplies (lesson learned from in-laws about pyramid
schemes, which I’ve never repeated, despite numerous offers to
“buy you a cup of coffee at Burger King”).
• Cook in hospital (most embarrassing experience that could have
cost the lives of other people’s loved ones; an episode of “I
Love Lucy” could have been based on it).
• Newspaper reporter/photographer (made installment payments to
an employment agency
just to get the job and have a chance to write an expose about
the hospital).
• Freelance writer.
• Writer/senior writer/media relations specialist for insurance
company (first “real job” if working for an insurance company
qualifies).
• Advertising/public relations manager, vice president of corporate
communications, and corporate secretary for another insurance
company (don’t worry; they give titles instead of raises).
• Owner of small business (writer, photographer, consultant).
• Writer of a children’s book.
...And the beat goes on.
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